WEDDING SERENREN

Raise your hands and gather together for a selfie if your childhood fantasies about your wedding usually started and ended like mine; a glamorous, fully stoned ball gown, and silver shimmery stiletto princess shoes that helped my ministry as I stood on my pointed toes to give my prince charming the kiss of his life. Whether there were guests around, food to eat, or bills to pick after that, my childish brain could not be bothered. That was my ideal wedding... se finis. No thanks to  Cinderella and other Disney fairy tales. 

Now, my fellow selfie people, there is absolutely nothing wrong with our dreams and desires, in fact they are very healthy. The unhealthy part will be where we fail to understand that the real deal, I mean, real life waits for us just outside the door of the ceremony. The marriage proper is way bigger than our attires and the entire show put together. It's a huge step, a new phase, an entirely different world  that needs to be prepared for.

Lemme share a lil' of my woes and my  joys.

Thanks to premarital counseling where we were made to understand that even if you do not hammer from gifts and monetary contributions during the wedding, you should at least have some savings to jump-start married life. So my focus from the the beginning of the preparations was to have an easy financial start in marriage. That helped our budget a lot. Meanwhile is it just me or is it really a thing but people hardly go for weddings with gifts anymore?

I just realized (thanks to Google photos) that about this time three years ago, I was combing the entire nook and cranny of Abuja, looking for a suitable and affordable wedding gown. I had a faint idea of what I was looking for but I was too sure of what I wasn't looking for. One other thing for me was sure ab initio - I was not about to buy a wedding gown. LOL, somebody just went back to check if the read properly. Yahhaaaa, you did! I saw my mom's wedding gown occupy a very big box in the house as she hoped one of us would wear it when we were marrying...error... that was not happening! Lol! That helped me demystify the whole paparazi about owning wedding gowns, so I rented one and was the first to launch it (for a higher price of course).

Unlike my childish Cinderella-dream-silver-stiletto shoe, my grown self longed for something unique, so I opted for a toquoise blue shoe. With the benefit of hind sight, I'll highlight two sad things about my choice. First, the one I picked was way too pricey, a lot more expensive than even my gown, and guess what? nobody saw it on the wedding day because the gown covered it. Secondly, because of the the style and color of the shoe, I have not worn it more than once in the last three years. Now the irony is that every time I wear my very very cheap wedding jewelry I get a lot of compliments and have to direct people to where I bought them.

The moral of my story is not to be a cheapiro and ruin all you have ever dreamt of concerning your wedding day. In fact to the contrary, ensure you have your Cinderella wedding all the way. However, always remember that;

a) You are not in competition with anybody neither are you out to impress people because half the time they do not notice your efforts. I doubt anyone still remembers the detail of my wedding hall or the taste of the food they ate.

b) You will need as much funds as possible once the wedding ceremony is over. I can neither over emphasize nor underestimate this point. So try not to major on the minors and minor on the major.

And 

c) It is very possible to eat your cake and still have it  i.e have yourself a wedding blast and still lounge thereafter...it's called sticking to the budget.

I honestly hope someone feels lighter and hopeful about that coming wedding. God bless you and all your plans. 

On a lighter mood, if these were your only options, which would you choose to wear on your BIG DAY or buy for bae?

Don't spoil the fun, keep the comments coming! 

Cheers!

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AN ATTEMPT AT THE NEW ME

Yassssssssssssssssssss!!!!  I made it.

Wooow! It's amazing! I just realized I have not journaled since Jayden was born...I guess I could conveniently say "Jayden happened to me" LOL. So this is an attempt to start journaling again, one I earnestly hope would be successful...So help me God!

The only problem ( as is usually the case when I do not journal for a while ) is that am honestly not sure where to start from. Nonetheless, I shall attempt to begin somewhere.

So it has been ten (10) months of mummying and it has been the most humbling and exciting months of my life thus far. I stare at my son (like I just did right now) and I wonder how I got here. I am constantly in awe at the level of trust God has in me to have given me a whole, beautiful human being to nurture from the cradle. Even I could not trust myself with a matter this delicate - To shape the life and destiny of another. I feel so unworthy but grace thinks otherwise. #Graced.

Not journaling for this long has given me time to think and grow. I now see life from a different perspective - an appreciative and deliberate one at that. In the light of all these, it goes without saying that my new perspective would definitely reflect in my write-ups; just in case you all notice I have become goofier and less regimented. LOL

But just before I sign off for today, I would love to drop this here for parents/guardians and parents/guardians to be. You see that child in your custody, that wee one that looks very insignificant today, you might want to treat them with more caution and love because there is no saying what they can become. Sometimes, I wonder if Barack Obama's parents had any regrets about how they raised their son. With the benefit of hindsight, if they had known he was going to be the first black president of America, would they have groomed and treated him differently? Maybe they sensed greatness in him early and became deliberate from the beginning, or maybe he was just plain lucky 😖...who knows? Not everyone has a vision about their sons or daughters being the savior of the world but trust me when I say that every child is born for greatness - house help or not, old or young. Let children be children. No child's childhood should be stolen from them. Be deliberate about children. Treat them like life i.e today and tomorrow depend on them... because it does. I wonder how different Nigeria would have been if some people at the helm of affairs had a healthy upbringing...ok selah# I promise to delve a little more into this topic. Let me let you stew over this for a while.

Have a blessed day!

Cheers!

Adindu Chiagoziem

THE CAR SERIES PT 3- THE DRIVER

For some awkward reasons, I have a special respect for people who drive well. There's just this tingly feeling of excitement in my tummy when I am with or see a good driver...plus I love speed and convoys lol. Good driving to me is not just being able to move an automobile from points A to B. In fact, I feel it is more intellectual than it is physical. It is being able to calculate, anticipate, maneuver, and still be in charge. It is knowing when to increase your speed without over speeding, stopping without screeching and throttling when the car demands. Very importantly, intelligent drivers are alert, know how to read road signs and how to drive accordingly. I could spot a good driver from a planet away and I understand that not everyone has an eye like I do. However, even if you cannot tell at first, time will definitely tell eventually. The question is what do you do when you discover you have gotten into a wrong car? There are many options available:

a) You could manage and hope the driver gets you to your destination safely

b) You could caution him/her and hope  they drive more sensibly

c) You could ask that the ride be brought to an abrupt end irrespective of where you are so you can get down

d) Or you just call it an adventure and sit to the end, hehehehe

Errmmm I do not know about you, but if getting in a car with a bad/reckless driver is considered adventurous and courageous, then I'll be willing to be a coward. Some experiences are not just worth my while, time and definitely not worth my life. 

This is the same with every relationship we get into. Whether it is platonic, romantic, marriage, or just work related relationship, there are always signs you need to watch out for. In my opinion, dating is the safest "place" to do any "driving lesson" or express concerns about the inadequacies and inefficiencies of your boo/bae. It is the best time to talk about your concerns and worries and find out how you can work through or around them.  Any thing that doesn't get corrected at that bridge would become harder to correct on the high way called marriage. There is an Ibo proverb that says "it is very difficult to learn how to use your left hand in old age"...bottom line - start early.

Just like the high way, things hardly get corrected in Marriage, if anything, they are amplified. If he shouted you down when you guys dated, he will probably beat you up when you are married. If she lied constantly during your courtship, dude, she's gan lie about your death one day in marriage. If you have to beg for his/her attention when you dating, then you are in for a very long, miserable marital journey etc. The truth is beyond the public display of your commitment to one another, nothing really happens on or beyond the altar. If anything, people feel free to become who they really are. Courtship is where people put their best foot forward and if his/her foot isn't that great after all, then bear in mind that it is most likely not getting better than that. 

Dating like driving requires the alertness of all your senses. Love is neither blind nor a feeling, it is a decision...one you should make objectively not emotionally or out of sentiments. Almost all the issues in marriages had shown some traces in courtship but someone pushed it aside and probably said "He/She will change". People do change, but not all drivers can be corrected especially if they see nothing wrong with their driving skills. So it is not about them, it is about you,- your security, safety, and sanity

Guess what? The beautiful thing about life is that you can choose to drive yourself. In fact, it takes a good driver to know one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being your own driver, setting your pace and going at your own speed. If you choose to ride along with someone, please select from an array of trained experienced drivers who will be glad to have you ride along. Life is too precious and too short to manage a ride you know won't end well or feel a certain type of way about. Be strong enough to quit while you can, press the break even if it means screeching. Dating like driving requires the use of your intellect, intuition, experience and good judgement...It is not a joke!

I honestly hope you have the courage to look inwardly, read the signs correctly and act accordingly. Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day.

Cheers!

Adindu Chiagoziem

THE CAR SERIES PT 2 : LUGGAGES

Today's post was inspired by a recent experience with an Uber driver. So here I was waiting patiently for this Uber ride I had scheduled to arrive. Apparently, I was changing my place of abode within the same town and had a lot of stuff to move. So this guy arrives and we started putting things in the trunk. Before long, we began filing the back seats with my luggage, and guess what, I still had some carry-ons to sit with me at the front seat. When the back seat was half full, the guy's countenance changed o. Ahh, when I realized he seemed overwhelmed, I started trying to be cute and smooth, making small talks about the weather. Omo, the dude just provoke and told me he was not going again o, that my luggage was bad for his car. Like joke, like play, I saw him remove my stuff and take them back to the  front door where they had been initially. Lobatan! Trip cancelled, relationship ended, moving on to to greater things. He just left me there practically mouthing - Adon believe it... As painful as that experience was, I learnt a lot of lessons and was grateful for a number of things. 

At the top of my gratitude list was the fact that he was honest. He did not agree to take me to my destination, only to change his mind midway. He assessed the situation as it affected him and was honest about how he felt, even though it was going to cost him his money.  Lack of honesty is one of the reasons why most people get in and out of relationships with a lot of hurts and resentments. The friendship level of any relationship is too key to skip or gloss over. This is where you objectively evaluate a person and decide whether to take things to the next level or not. Being honest is a two way thing. For instance, if I was honest with my self, I should have known that a sedan was not an ideal car for my luggage, an SUV would have been better.

Like every trip, relationships must be started with the end in mind. Your end game determines a lot about your means of getting there, boundaries, sacrifices, philosophies, value system, type of luggage, etc. For this Uber driver, it is not so hard to see that his priority was definitely to ensure his car was in good shape; making money was secondary. What is your endgame? I am yet to see a person who goes to a motor park( http://journalofanewlywed.blogspot.com/2018/02/the-car-series-motor-park-of-dating.html) for going sake, or to know what it felt like to get in a taxi with no specific destination in mind. Unfortunately, people get into relationships "for the fun of it", "to know how it feels", "to just have an experience to share", or "to not be left out". Trust me when I say that relationship is too risky a business to toy with. Like most trips, one wrong turn could result in an accident that could leave you scarred for life.

Packing for a trip is an art. It involves knowing what bag will fit all you have, while remaining within the accepted weight parameter. Having been prevented from traveling and asked to pay for excess luggage one too many times, I have had to learn this art. I am used to transporters asking me to pay for excess luggage, so you can imagine my surprise when I learnt from this Uber driver that payment is not always an option. This is the same with relationships. Everyone comes with one luggage or the other. What amounts to excess luggage is very much dependent on your partner. For the economy class, some local flights in Nigeria peg the accepted weight at 25 kg per traveler,  international flights on the other hand will allow two 23 kg bags (46 in total) and a 6 kg carry-on. The same way you are required to read their terms and conditions to understand their policies, you  must also read your partner to know what they can or cannot take, what they agree or disagree with. Not everyone will be ready to accommodate your luggage and baggage irrespective of what your are willing to give up...and that is fine.

So, back to my Uber story. As soon as he left, I had to call another driver, and this time around I asked for an SUV. Sometimes, especially in relationships, things do not always go as expected. In such cases, what do you do? Do you cry, lament and make a big deal out of it or learn from it and make better decisions in the future? Maybe you are like me- your "Uber driver" dumped you or your relationship never really left the "motor park" or you suddenly got dropped off midway or you realized you landed in a wrong destination, all hope is not lost. I encourage you to re-evaluate the situation and see if you need to drop some of the content of your luggage, re-pack your bag, go with a different carrier or just suspend all trips until further notice. 

Luggage in this context refers to a person's background, belief/value system, education, lifestyle et al. Baggage on the other hand are traumatic experiences, disappointments and other negative issues in the past. These are things that you cannot erase or change, but can choose to live without in order to enjoy relationships better. Ba

In summary, before a trip, assess your luggage with the end in mind. Deal with and get rid of excess baggage,  “After a bad trip, don't carry your luggage on board the next flight. Stay grounded till you figure out a new way to travel.” (T.F. Hodge) 

I celebrate you.

Adindu Chiagoziem

#ItsNeverTooLateToRetraceYourSteps

THE CAR SERIES Pt 1 - "THE MOTOR PARK" OF DATING

So am going to be doing a short series on cars - objectifying cars as they relate to dating and marriage. I am also going to use the opportunity to disclose ten (10) things about me that most of you never knew ( I know you like that one.. lol). Well, for starters I love Cars❤❤❤. When I sought for something ideal to objectify, I didn't need to search for long, automobiles always do it for me. However, my focus today is on "the decision to travel (date)".

Traveling can be fun, whether on short or long trips. However,  the preparatory aspect wears me off. Every trip for me requires a lot of preparation on my part - emotionally and psychologically, especially. I have to take into consideration where I am going to, the distance to be covered, the purpose of my intended trip, how many days I intend to spend on the trip, whether or not there are special weather conditions to prepare for, which will also influence the kind of  travel bag/suitcase I will use, e.t.c.

Let us take an imaginary trip to a typical motor park in Nigeria. Imagine the rowdiness and noise, the conductors beckoning on you to come join their vehicle, some even going as far as wanting to drag your traveling bag from you. Remember that in that same motor park, not everyone is there to embark on a journey; some are outright swindlers, some hawkers of edibles and other necessities, others just layabouts waiting for time to pass.

Interestingly, a) not all cars are going your way, b) Some are not even leaving the park that day, c) Others are broken down and have been parked there for years. The onus, therefore, lies on every passenger to locate a vehicle that is going their way, inquire to make sure the fare is payable, inspect the car to ensure it is road-worthy and choose a seat that guarantees comfort for the duration of the journey. All these do not necessarily guarantee a safe trip, but you know what they say - Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for safety.

Now just imagine the absurdity of going to a motor park clueless and unsure of a specific destination in mind. Imagine a person walking into the park and knowingly joins a car headed for Jalingo but hopes to get off in Lagos. Or another person who fails to read the signs and is surprised that he has sat all day in a car that is broken down and does not leave the park.

The above scenarios might seem ludicrous but that is exactly how some people view and go into dating. Dating is a decision not a stage in life. The same way you do not go to the park because people are going there, you cannot also go into dating because your friends are all in relationships or just because you think you are old enough. Before you decide to date, you must understand where you are going to in life as well as what you want from the relationship. You can't go into relationships hoping to find some direction or deliverance of some sort from financial hardship, emotional issues, family or peer pressure e.t.c.

Along with the decision to date must come the preparedness - emotionally, psychologically and otherwise. Being in a relationship requires maturity. You must be able to make objective decisions free from sentiments and subjectivity. You have to be emotionally sound so you are not swayed into changing your direction or fall prey to "swindlers". If you don not feel ready, please do not let anyone interfere with your singlehood. It is yours to give away when you deem fit.😉

The dating market (motor park) is full of all sorts of people; the idle ones, the touts, the sellers, the draggers, the travelers, etc. Not every traveler is your spec and not all of them are going your way, so you must choose carefully and prayerfully. Some people go into relationships only to end in the wrong destination or stuck in the same spot for years.

I really envy those who have what I call a nomadic approach to traveling - they just get up and go. Sometimes they don't end up stranded. While this attitude might work out regarding traveling strictu sensu, I doubt anyone can have a successful relationship that way.

 It is never too late to retrace your steps. Not every park has a car going your way and not every trip to the park must end in a voyage. Like every traveler, you have to assess the essence of the journey by asking questions such as: is it wise? Is it worth my while? Is it necessary? Is now the best time? What will I accomplish? Is it in my best interest? Does it align with my life goals? Are there better options?

For me, this is one of the questions I had to ask myself before I decided to date a person, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their lives referring to as "daddy?"" Dating is that serious.

I hope you take out time to assess your life and relationship, and have the courage to do the needful.

Have a blessed week.

Adindu Chiagoziem

#ItIsNeverTooLateToRetraceYourSteps 

SAVOR EVERY MOMENT!

I remembered the look of disgust on my mum and elder sister's face when they got home one day and saw my fingers. I mean I thought they looked pretty but errrmmm, apparently not. I had gone to look for my mum's nail polish only to realize she had probably hidden them from her very vain younger daughter (yours truly). Undeterred I found a correcting fluid (Tipex) and painted my finger and toenails white. Please don't judge me...I felt super cool like that 😚. 

Maybe it was growing up among adults and siblings who were way older than I was or just the fact that I hated being my age because something about the future seemed more appealing than the present, I could not wait to get there! I wanted to be grown already!

Oh, how I longed to wear those six-inch stiletto heels I saw women wear in the magazines. I could picture the way and manner I was going to carry my below-the-butt weaves. I wanted to start driving at thirteen. There was an insatiable hunger in me to get as far away from home as possible so I could gain "my independence" as I went to College. (By the way, there is no such thing as independence: it is overrated and even anti-nature- gist for another day). 

The bottom line is,  I could not wait to get out of one stage in life to the next. Was it such a bad thing? Maybe not. Looking at life in retrospect, I just wish I enjoyed every stage, like making the best use of every moment, because guess what? The next stage was bound to come, whether I longed for it or not. Right now, I will literally trade my left pinky toe to be driven by someone else. I have fixed and painted my nails with real polish so much so that I am now on sabbatical. I wore those very long braids until I decided the pain of making and maintaining them was more than I bargained for. Right now,  I love them super short 😅😅, plus the heat in Nigeria gives me very few options.

Interestingly, this is the same attitude we take in relationships and marriages. We can't wait to be in relationships, we can't wait to get married, have kids, build houses, own cars, then what next exactly? Some people can't even wait to die (no jokes). Word for today, stop and savor the moment! If you are single, I advise you to flex that "singlehood" until you exhaust the single in singlehood. Those who are dating, kindly enjoy what you two have and stop putting yourself and your significant other under so much pressure to "move to the next stage" (except of course you see "the signs" - next topic of discussion). Please, you are neither a wife nor a husband until you are one, so stop acting like one. In the meantime,  enjoy what you both share and stop trying to fast-track the process by doing those extra chores with the intention of manipulating the other to "see" you. Trust me, it only complicates the present. You have a whole lifetime in marriage to do those chores until you get fed up (ask me about it later). 

The one time in life I decided to relish the moment, is one I have not regretted to date. After we got married, we decided to wait for a year before having kids. By the way, that is one of the most difficult decisions any married couple in Naija can make. The pressure was enormous, you have no idea. We just wanted to be a married couple first and enjoy the freedom of just being by ourselves. We knew that having kids was a game-changer on another whole level entirely - one that could not be reversed. So the decision to wait was the best thing that happened to us, and we are forever grateful for it.

What we know as life does not just happen, we make it happen. Every stage in life presents an opportunity to make a decision that will affect the next stage of life. In other words, tomorrow is built on the choices of today. Whether you long for tomorrow or not, it is bound to come, but whether you enjoy tomorrow is totally up to you, and depends a lot on how you savor today. The worst way to spend today is to be anxious about tomorrow because sometimes, tomorrow never comes. Live today to the fullest so that if tomorrow never comes, at least you have the fun of your life today. So the word for you today is this - make every moment count, have no regrets.

Remember, the best things in life are not things, they are moments - memories.

I celebrate you!

Cheers!

Adindu Chiagoziem

BACK AND BETTER !!!

Yo yo yo yo yo!

Happy new year pips. It  is so good to be back!

I can't believe how much I have missed myself...like literally.  So someone called me some months back and asked why I haven't been blogging, interestingly, as the questioned echoed in my head, I actually had no answers. It would have been easier if the question was rhetoric, but she was genuinely concerned. Truth is life happened to me! I remembered telling her and every other person who called to check-up to kindly tell me that I was looking for me, just in case they saw me. Lol!

Some times we go through stuff that tries to break us. Truth is whether we break or make is totally up to us...it is a choice. The good thing is I remain grateful to the events of the past months. I have grown immensely and would like nothing more than to encourage someone with lessons learnt.

Just as a reminder, this blog was created to encourage people to live their best at every stage of their lives- single, married, complicated, or just-don't-care. It was inspired by the interesting lessons I began to learn as a newly wed and the questions my friends were asking me at the time; hence the name : Journal of a newly wed. I used to be so shy and uncomfortable about answering questions categorically cos I felt young and inexperienced in the "marriage business" till I learnt that marriage is for learners...lol ( Kindly go through my earliest posts to get the joke). The best part of my blog is the fact that it is an evolving one. It grows with me and so you sure there will always be better gist and lessons to learn ( I can feel your amebo smile already).

I feel led to focus more on premarital and marriage issues this year, having discussed some singles-related topics last year. Please feel free to comment, ask questions and make suggestions on topics you feel you need clarifications on or answers to. Your confidentiality is guaranteed and we would definitely find a way around it by God's grace.

I just want to let you know that everything is going to be alright (don't ask me how I know, I just know, lol). Just hang in there. Every situation in life has two outcomes- it is either gonna pull through or not...that is the worst that can happen! So don't lose your self, your peace and definitely not your life over that issue, it too will come to pass.

Thanks for constantly reading, commenting and checking-up. Let's make this year fun as we get better in our lives, relationships and marriages.

Cheers!

UNFORCED RHYTHMS OF GRACE

It is July already!
I can imagine that this information represents good news to some. It’s probably their birth month or wedding month or just half of “the best year ever”.

For others, they honestly wish they could share in the enthusiasm. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you hear “It's July already” and you have an exhausting list of unmet expectations. That moment when you realize that the year has actually gone half and you wonder how it happened because the last time you checked it was February. Kindly say a private ‘Ummmhhhhmmm’ if you know how it feels to go back to your diary and realize that you are 370 degrees away from those wonderful resolutions you made on the 1st day of the year.

For me, everything seemed so prim and proper at the beginning of the year. I knew where I was going, and I felt unstoppable. This is July and somehow I feel lost …lost my direction, focus, zeal and probably myself. I had begun to feel I was going round the motions, and life seemed tasteless. Feeling all so dejected and left out in the world, I decided to loaf around in The Word. I honestly had no precise direction in mind but I sought hope... and Hope I found.

I thought it was business as usual because it was really unexpected and totally unassuming. Maybe it was the timing or the regalia The Word was clad in (Message Bible) but something was new. As The Word began to speak, I had to stop, I stopped right there in my mental tracks. I processed these words, and drank in every syllable. At first, I wasn’t sure I heard well, but then the words have not stopped resonating in my spirit;

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30 The Message (MSG)

It was so timely- words spoken in due season. For the first time, I realized that Grace had a rhythm - an unforced rhythm. It means that grace - the life of ease, and unmerited divine assistance from God to man, had a rhythm- a strong, regular, repeated pattern of movement or sound.

In those few words, I knew Hope beckoned me to retreat. I had gotten so burnt out on work, religion, and life; I had lost my grace rhythm. I was like someone on the dance floor still dancing to a fast tempo song when it had changed to a slower one. It is no wonder I felt exhausted. It was time to walk, work and watch Him; see how He did it.

If you can relate with this, then you probably might be needing some 'alone time' to retreat. Refusing to retreat is like a writer who refuses to take a break after he has hit a writer’s block…

Do not struggle through the year, when you can actually get away with Him and recover your life.
#Selah
  
Have a blessed weekend.

I MARRIED TO CARRYOUT AN EXPERIMENT... THE END!

This is my story... Very funny I must warn you, and full of a lot of ironies.

So here I was, content with my life- driven, focused, a complete boss-lady...till he came into the picture. From very early, I knew where I was coming from and had an idea where I was going. I might not have had the complete picture but I knew marriage was not part of it. I said it so much, my mother worried I was going to be my own undoing- using my mouth to swear for myself. If only she knew how serious I was and how for once, I didn’t mind this “Shepke” catching me… or so I thought.

Like most of the writers, I didn’t fancy marriage. I had seen a lot of marriages of family and family-friends go bad. I had watched and come to understand the devastating effect of these broken marriages- how they ripped loved ones apart and broke family ties. What hurt me the most was the fact that it also had a negative effect on innocent children. These kids who didn’t ask to be born were not opportune to choose their families, only found themselves in this mess, that left them as the victims.

By the end of high school, 8 out of 10 of my friends had been sexually abused – as a result of seeking solace in the wrong hands while trying to escape from the many family dramas. These and many more contributed to the phobia I had for marriage the hatred I had started developing towards men.

So you now understand why I said my life was content till he came into the picture...At least so I thought From the beginning I knew it was a waste of time. I told him over and over he was going to hurt himself if he decided to tag along. I tried to help him understand that the thought alone of settling down with me was in itself, harmful. I had no regard for men, and the word “submission” was not in my dictionary. What annoyed me more was the fact that he was too calm. I was used to the arrogant ones who I derived joy in humbling. I was an angry person…but he stayed.

He stayed and he prayed…oh, how he prayed. He showered me with so much love…then  I became upset and defensive- Maybe he was pretending… How dare he intend to toy with me… but then he still stayed. He wanted me to know that not all men were Predators and not all marriages were destined to fail- some could be fun. He was persistent…annoyingly consistent. You know what they say 'Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force but through persistence'… and the hollow was gradually being created…then I started to see reason. You see, the Bible says that Wisdom from above when it sees reason, it yields (James 3:17)…so I yielded…I was a wise woman…lol.

Together we grew ourselves. He understood where I was coming from and helped allay my fear. We fed on the right materials- books, tapes, seminars, and marriage counseling, mingled with the right kinds of people – couples with positive energy who knew where they were going with their lives and their marriages…but also importantly, we sat and drafted marriage goals as we felt led…We decided that we were going to minister with our marriage - our marriage was going to be a reference point of hope to the married and yet to be married… and that’s what gave birth to this blog by the way…

We were one year in marriage on the 2^nd of April 2017 and it’s been an amazing journey so far. Marriage is so much fun- my God!. God does not make a mistake I must say. Marriage is God’s idea and only God can help you enjoy it. God has helped us decant all the negativity we used to know about marriage and filled us with fresh ideas, and The Word. They say marriage is hard work, but so is everything else about life. Anything that is of importance to God is also a priority to the devil. Nonetheless, with a man/woman that loves God and you, and a heart that is willing, there’s no mountain you both cannot overcome.

Why did I get married?

I got married to carry out an experiment – Whether there are happy marriages-I have come, I have seen and I can categorically say MARRIAGE IS BEAUTIFUL. Has it been all roses? Nope!. Do we have our differences? You have no idea. But because we know the marriage serves a greater purpose, we are quick to put asides feelings and pride and come back to work things out fast, lest the devil finds a dwelling ground to replicate his many schemes.

With this, we've come to the end of The Singles Series. If you missed the series kindly check my previous posts since February. It was indeed a privilege to have worked with the writers who shared their stories. When I called, they answered, and when they wrote, they spilled it all out…Thanks, guys, you are the best.

I also consider it a complete honor to have gotten the feedback I got from the general public-some people I knew others preferred to be anonymous. I am so encouraged by the fact that many people actually read, meditated, and decided to retrace their steps to lay firm foundations for their future, especially future in marriage. God will help you stay true to your resolve.

I’ll continue my posts on the life of a newlywed, except of course I feel led otherwise. Kindly stay tuned to the blog. In the meantime, remain blessed and have a splendid week.

Cheers!

Adindu Chiagoziem.

...BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS HONORABLE...

Why do I want to get Married?

Hmmm...! This question is sooo timely for someone like me. People who know me well will tell you how I've always loved weddings. If I had my way, I'll attend all the weddings of people I know. It has helped me to always daydream of my own wedding - my wedding gown, the colors of the day,the dress styles of my train, the wedding cake etc. But then it struck me "hope you know marriage is more than just the wedding day?". If only the love, care and romance that is at its peak on the wedding day/night could last through the marriage, then marriage would just be alluring. But nay, there is more to marriages than we see these days.

When children come, personalities change or rather unveil, love waxes cold then marriage seem like a life time prison... So I became scared of marriage like the thought of it should just remain in my head and never materialize. I had to go through a reorientation with the help of the Bible, I'm actually still working on it. Nonetheless, marriage is meant to be beautiful, with an undying love. It's meant to replicate the Marriage of God and his people, Rev 19:7.

To have a beautiful marriage, first, I need to be ready mentally, spiritually, emotionally etc. Even the Bible says in a number of places "...do not awaken love before it is time".Songs of Songs 2:7; 3:5; 8:4.

Another important thing to do if I want a successful marriage is to have reasons why I want to get married. My reasons include: 

• Companionship: I need to marry to have a life time companion. Trust me, even your close friends might not have time to hear all your blabbing but I can say all I want to my spouse and I can gist for Africa eeehn...lol. Gen 2:8 "it is not good for man to be alone"

• Purpose: this is very paramount for me. I need a partner with whom to fulfill purpose, we might not be doing exactly the same thing, but we have to complement each other. Eccl 4:9-12 "two are better than one for they have a good reward for their labor..."

• Intercourse: this is very important as well, sexual intercourse with my husband is something I've waited to have all my life. So when I'm married, I wouldn't take it easy with him...winks. 1 Cor. 7:8- "it is better to marry than to burn with passion"
• Living Harmoniously: I want to be able to practice living peaceably with my husband without major issues so as to give good account to God on that day. It will also prepare me to live in harmony with other brethren in heaven. Rev 19:17 "...for the marriage of the lamb is come and his wife hath made herself ready"
• Replicate heavenly love: I want to marry so I can debunk my observation that marriage is sour. There are so many failed marriages and because I have the desire to help marriages become better, my marriage would have to be a good example for others. Replicating the Love of Jesus. Amen!1 John 3:16 "perceive the love of God because he laid down his life for us..."
• Honour: There's an igbo adage that says "Ugwu wanyi bu di ya" - A woman's honor is her husband. This is so evident in our society as a single woman is seen as promiscuous except she is married. Heb 13:4a. "Marriage is honorable..."

I could go on and on but the gist is that it's best to have reasons for marriage before you go into it. It gives you a goal for which you will strive to achieve. What is your reason...?

DEBORAH

I WANT TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE IT IS GOD'S PURPOSE FOR ME

Why do I want to get married? Good question you may actually want to answer before you get married, because when situations come, when the devil thinks he can play ping pong with your marriage, the answer to this question would either save or break your marriage. How? Wait for The last paragraph and find out...

.

As for me, i went through different answers to this question in different phases of my life. First I wanted to get married simply because I wanted to... Almost every young girl has in her subconscious a planted subliminal message that says "you must marry!!!" I don't know about other parts of the world but in Africa, you are raised learning to cook, nurture a child (remember your dolls), be responsible as a woman (it used to upset me that my brothers were outside playing while I had to do the chores ) and generally take care of the family. 

But the scales fell from my eyes.... I watched as many marriages in my family disintegrated. Their was hatred, bitterness, anger and I kept asking "why did they get married in the first place?" I watched as two people who said for better or worse, tear each other apart and I said to myself I'd rather remain single . There was no way I would get married and end up like them. 

Let me add this here, if you do not know your purpose in every sphere of your life, then I promise you; you will live a very regrettable life. You will keep trying to but you will never really get it. You will keep jumping from mistakes to mistakes and the devil loves it. See sitting here writing this, I understand it now. My decision to not get married was built in a very faulty foundation:

1. I didn't want to get married from fear 

2. I didn't want to get married but I didn't want to be alone so I moved from man to man. 

3. I didn't want to get married because of my distorted image of marriage I was yet to learn how beautiful it was 

Imagine the fun day the devil had with me; I was never going to settle down. But interestingly, man after man, I got heartbroken and colder and more cynical. 

Then after a while I got lonely and wanted to be married because being lonely was too much to bear, boy was I a confused mess. I mean I had this notion that I could get married and be with him and if anything goes wrong we could just sign divorce papers and I could get married again... Thank you Hollywood ...

Then I met him, my single idol. Ohhhhhh it was love at first sound, then he ticked some other boxes I had in my list; good dresser, speaks good English, drives well, full of pride, corky and though not on my list, had the potential to be rich and he was also a man of God ( see my priorities biko)... See, he was a ready made husband and our relationship became community relationship so everyone expected us to get married. I invested so much in the relationship that when I saw the end written in the wall I refused to believe it.... I couldn't do this much for him and let him go away - I needed compensation, I had forgotten my hopes and dreams and worked at fulfilling his, and someone is telling me the end?? LaiLai and minus that, what would people say?

Finally we broke up and I stayed of relationships entirely. Even when my mentor, friend and pastor told me to let go and stop nursing the pains, I refused to listen. See I was back to my second phase I will never get married but this time, I had purpose, I wasn't jumping from man to man, I was a little more focused and I was driven by that focus. 

So driven that I didn't notice him. He was there from before law School, he prayed with me when I couldn't get my fees and when the miracle happened he helped with all the running around. He made sure I ate after class, was my shoulder to cry on when things got really bad. He is kind, gentle and humble; at a time my bestie and I said he was too nice. 

Then we started dating honestly I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married but I knew he made all the distorted images I had of marriage fade. But I was still scared because I wondered if this wasn't how my parents started. So I prayed!!!! And for the course of one year God spoke and in bits and pieces showing me the purpose for our marriage. 

God has a purpose for everyone and everything and if you do not know the purpose you won't maximize it. Why do I want to get married, simple it is God's purpose for me. I have been in many relationships but none like this. A man that ministers to me everyday so that I can do what I am meant to do in my ministry. A man so focused on loving God that it is easy for him to Love me... Truly God's gift give no sorrow ( don't think it- we dey rack ) 

I want to get married because it is a fulfillment for God's purpose in my life. Not because I don't want to be lonely, not because I am being pressured by people or myself, not because of who he is financially, not because he ticks the boxes properly, not because of friends or looks. But because God says so and when thing gets tricky and the devil rares his head I remember what God says and it keeps me going till everything it is sorted out. 

Bunmi