YOU ARE NOT YOUR MUM NEITHER ARE  YOU MARRIED TO YOUR FATHER

 

The first few days or weeks in marriage are understandably confusing as the couple scales through the discovery phase. At least, so it was for me. Here I was trying to figure out how to be a wife to a man I had never lived with before. I was trying to understand the nitty-gritty involved in food preparation, our roles as it concerned chores, and what side of the bed was the right side (to mention a few).

 

Then boom!!!, I found an easy way out; what would mummy have done in this situation?  Instinctively I started to act like my mum would do with my dad. After all, that was the major example of marriage I had been exposed to. Sadly, I would later discover that this decision would almost cause me the peace and sanctity of my home - my own undoing.

 

During one of our very early days in marriage, I would ensure that my husband's food was served at a particular time around the clock. That was what I saw my mum do as I was growing up. In the traditional African family, the husband was never supposed to ask for his food. There was supposed to be a particular food schedule that was held sacred, with no default. Unfortunately, the food almost always got cold because (as I was soon to discover)  my husband was not a regimented eater.

 

Furthermore, because I grew up in a typical Igbo family, Swallow ( eba, semolina, and the like) was highly appreciated. It was the glory of a woman to be praised for her extraordinary culinary skills, especially in cooking soups. That was my biggest fear (we will discuss that another day). So I put in so much effort in ensuring that I made a variety of soups in one cooking and in a very large quantity too. Sadly these soups remained in the freezer until they were considered too old to eat.

 

On one occasion my husband suggested we do tea and biscuit (biscuit flakes) for breakfast and Indomie noodles for lunch. I was bewildered. This for me was becoming a problem. I could not understand why my husband would not eat three times a day. It also baffled me to realize that he was not crazy about "swallow". So one day in my frustration, I broached the subject. That was the day the scale fell off my eyes and I saw the light-  I didn't marry my father, neither am I my mother. I married a man who was much easier to live with and rather than appreciate him and thank God for this, I was engrossed in comparing him to what I was used to.

 

The power of family in shaping the mind, character, and disposition toward life of a child, can neither be overrated nor underestimated. At the same time, the need to know when and where to draw the line cannot be overemphasized. Our spouses or spouses-to-be have totally distinct personalities. Just as much as we would hate to be compared, they also do not appreciate being compared to the people around us; especially our parents and exs.

 

For someone else, food might be the least of your problems. It could be the way he/she dresses, the way they talk, their preference for the arrangement of the house, etc. However, we must get into marriage with an open mind; a mind that is rid of all preconceived notions, a mind ready to learn about and appreciate the uniqueness of our spouses. That's the essence of the leave-to-cleave command in Genesis 2:24.

 

And if you are truthful to yourself you will agree with me that:

1. If your spouse was to be like your mum or dad, life would be super boring for lack of variety.
2. His/her uniqueness compliments an area of both of your lives that needs it.
3. If you really like your mum/dad, why didn't you marry them? Like seriously? Lol

Bottom line, let us celebrate our spouses for who they simply are.

 

CHEERS

 

#heisnotyourfatherneitherareyouyourmother

 

 

This blog is inspired by my many friends (married and single) who want to know from first hand experience how marriage really is. Most times I refrain from answering questions categorically because in my opinion, I am still pretty new to the business called marriage. Nonetheless, I have come to the realization that I can't be too new to have learnt one or two things worthy of sharing.

 

Whenever people ask me "how is married life"?, my answer has always been the same- "interesting".

Interesting is a word used to describe a thing or an event that holds or arouses a person's attention and interest. Married life literarily holds and arouses my attention. That word simply encapsulates my views about marriage.

 

It is interesting to realize the great difference between marriage in your mind and marriage in reality. You know how you have always imagine how you are going to do this and do that when you get married? Well, its not always the same in marriage because all the while you were daydreaming, you totally  forgot to feature your spouse in your little drama... Or maybe you did, but just forgot that he/she is not your "scripted robot" but has the capacity to feel and do as he/she pleases- not necessarily as you imagined.

 

It is also interesting to know that these differences and discoveries in marriage can be super fun (depending on how it is handled).

 

This is an opportunity to share certain insights from my experiences so far that could be a source of inspiration to somebody. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Many people have gory stories to tell about marriage but I still  believe in the Cinderella theme of the Love story of Marriage. There is no one formula to making a marriage work, however with experience and The Word, Success is inevitable.

 

I definitely am not an island and would love to hear your opinions and views as we experience marriage together- single or married.

 

Cheers!