So, ‘Why I’m still a virgin/regrets of being disvirgined’ is the topic for this week, and as I told my friend, I laughed and said ‘I don’t even know which side I belong’. Yea, it was a joke, but it was that sad type joke cause u know it has a twinge of truth in it….let’s get right to it.
Am I a virgin? Yes. But, I called myself a ‘technical virgin’ for a long time. Why? Because I was that girl that just wanted to know how far you can go and still be saved…anyone like me know what I’m talking about? I grew up in Sunday school and my family had a motto: keep yourself pure, so somewhere in my head, I wanted the achievement of marrying as a virgin; it was really just a trophy for me.
Why was I a virgin? Or more like why did I not have sex? Simple: I wanted to somehow retain my ‘good girl’ status. Plus, by the side, I kinda liked the look on people’s faces when I told them I was, plus plus, I had this weird belief at some point that the day I had sex, the next time my mum saw me, she’d know! Lol!! But this did not keep me pure. I was a virgin, but not pure…..where are those my sisters that feel me on this? In fact, because I was a virgin, I felt like I had the license to do every other thing; I mean, I was trying keeping it locked down, so why not reward myself with a little hanky panky here and there? I called myself a kissaholic….I felt if that was all I could do, why not be a pro at it…right? Wrong!
I’ll ask another question; why did I do all those other things? First, I felt since I could not give the guys what they really wanted, I HAD TO give them something at least, like I owed them….wrong! You do not owe any one anything physically intimate except your husband/wife. Second, it gave me some deceptive false power and made me feel wanted…..doesn’t this just scream esteem issues to you? I wanted to be accepted by the guys. And finally, it felt like all the emphasis was on virginity and sex and not purity. When consequences were talked about, I heard ‘pregnancy, STD, he won’t respect you, etc’, so naturally, I felt I had none of those consequences since I was not really having sex, so I was good; again wrong: there is a bond you create with anyone you are physically intimate with; yes, it may not be as deep as when sex is involved, but there is something.
Since I’m in a funny situation of being able to relate with both ends of the question, I’ll touch on both, starting with the latter. Regrets for all I did? Yes, definitely. I do feel bad that there are certain parts of me my future husband cannot claim first territory to; I do feel weird seeing those other dudes, like they can see through me, or like they are thinking certain things; I do feel like I wasted my time, because with the so-called acceptance I sought, none of those dudes stuck around long enough…..apparently, it wasn’t enough.
No, I don’t feel taken advantage of, I will not blame any of them for decisions I made, when I wasn’t drugged or drunk (this is another thing I’ll just touch very briefly): ladies! Stop always having victim mentality and blaming people for choices you very well made yourself….my darling, unless u were really out of ur senses and can claim ‘non est fatum’-sorry, had to show my law degree. lol-which means ‘it is not my deed’, I advice that you take responsibility for your actions, repent where necessary, and move on); rather, I am grateful that with all my stupidity and hanky panky, none of the guys took advantage of my lack of physical strength and force it all the way.
Finally, on the first leg of the topic, remember I said in the beginning that I called myself a technical virgin….called….as in past tense. Now? I am a virgin, because God has forgiven and restored me. And why am I a virgin? Because intimacy is the reward of commitment; and by commitment, I don’t mean he has asked you out or she has said yes. No…look at God and us; only when we have made a decision to commit and say yes to Him (He has proposed to you already…not with a ring but on the cross) do we really feel the intimacy of our relationship with Him; in fact, without that commitment, there is really no relationship.
I am not about to give all of me to someone that’s not ready to commit all of him to me in marriage. Because I am no longer looking for cheap acceptance or deriving my value from a guy when God gave it all for me. Because it pays to wait. Because then, I can actually look forward to my wedding night (halleluya, somebody!!!). Because it is another way for my husband to be to show he respects my body, and I, his. Because it’s another core value I want to share with him. Because purity before marriage helps boosts confidence for purity in marriage…..oh, I don’t want to digress, so I hope you know already that purity and keeping yourself does not stop after ‘I do’, it just graduates to keeping yourself for him/her ONLY. I could go on and on, but lemme end with my most important reason: because this is how God wants and ordained it to be; sex is permitted and celebrated by God only when it’s between a man and his wife; and I do want to please God.
I’m done!
BOLOGI
