THE CAR SERIES PT 3- THE DRIVER

For some awkward reasons, I have a special respect for people who drive well. There's just this tingly feeling of excitement in my tummy when I am with or see a good driver...plus I love speed and convoys lol. Good driving to me is not just being able to move an automobile from points A to B. In fact, I feel it is more intellectual than it is physical. It is being able to calculate, anticipate, maneuver, and still be in charge. It is knowing when to increase your speed without over speeding, stopping without screeching and throttling when the car demands. Very importantly, intelligent drivers are alert, know how to read road signs and how to drive accordingly. I could spot a good driver from a planet away and I understand that not everyone has an eye like I do. However, even if you cannot tell at first, time will definitely tell eventually. The question is what do you do when you discover you have gotten into a wrong car? There are many options available:

a) You could manage and hope the driver gets you to your destination safely

b) You could caution him/her and hope  they drive more sensibly

c) You could ask that the ride be brought to an abrupt end irrespective of where you are so you can get down

d) Or you just call it an adventure and sit to the end, hehehehe

Errmmm I do not know about you, but if getting in a car with a bad/reckless driver is considered adventurous and courageous, then I'll be willing to be a coward. Some experiences are not just worth my while, time and definitely not worth my life. 

This is the same with every relationship we get into. Whether it is platonic, romantic, marriage, or just work related relationship, there are always signs you need to watch out for. In my opinion, dating is the safest "place" to do any "driving lesson" or express concerns about the inadequacies and inefficiencies of your boo/bae. It is the best time to talk about your concerns and worries and find out how you can work through or around them.  Any thing that doesn't get corrected at that bridge would become harder to correct on the high way called marriage. There is an Ibo proverb that says "it is very difficult to learn how to use your left hand in old age"...bottom line - start early.

Just like the high way, things hardly get corrected in Marriage, if anything, they are amplified. If he shouted you down when you guys dated, he will probably beat you up when you are married. If she lied constantly during your courtship, dude, she's gan lie about your death one day in marriage. If you have to beg for his/her attention when you dating, then you are in for a very long, miserable marital journey etc. The truth is beyond the public display of your commitment to one another, nothing really happens on or beyond the altar. If anything, people feel free to become who they really are. Courtship is where people put their best foot forward and if his/her foot isn't that great after all, then bear in mind that it is most likely not getting better than that. 

Dating like driving requires the alertness of all your senses. Love is neither blind nor a feeling, it is a decision...one you should make objectively not emotionally or out of sentiments. Almost all the issues in marriages had shown some traces in courtship but someone pushed it aside and probably said "He/She will change". People do change, but not all drivers can be corrected especially if they see nothing wrong with their driving skills. So it is not about them, it is about you,- your security, safety, and sanity

Guess what? The beautiful thing about life is that you can choose to drive yourself. In fact, it takes a good driver to know one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being your own driver, setting your pace and going at your own speed. If you choose to ride along with someone, please select from an array of trained experienced drivers who will be glad to have you ride along. Life is too precious and too short to manage a ride you know won't end well or feel a certain type of way about. Be strong enough to quit while you can, press the break even if it means screeching. Dating like driving requires the use of your intellect, intuition, experience and good judgement...It is not a joke!

I honestly hope you have the courage to look inwardly, read the signs correctly and act accordingly. Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day.

Cheers!

Adindu Chiagoziem

THE CAR SERIES PT 2 : LUGGAGES

Today's post was inspired by a recent experience with an Uber driver. So here I was waiting patiently for this Uber ride I had scheduled to arrive. Apparently, I was changing my place of abode within the same town and had a lot of stuff to move. So this guy arrives and we started putting things in the trunk. Before long, we began filing the back seats with my luggage, and guess what, I still had some carry-ons to sit with me at the front seat. When the back seat was half full, the guy's countenance changed o. Ahh, when I realized he seemed overwhelmed, I started trying to be cute and smooth, making small talks about the weather. Omo, the dude just provoke and told me he was not going again o, that my luggage was bad for his car. Like joke, like play, I saw him remove my stuff and take them back to the  front door where they had been initially. Lobatan! Trip cancelled, relationship ended, moving on to to greater things. He just left me there practically mouthing - Adon believe it... As painful as that experience was, I learnt a lot of lessons and was grateful for a number of things. 

At the top of my gratitude list was the fact that he was honest. He did not agree to take me to my destination, only to change his mind midway. He assessed the situation as it affected him and was honest about how he felt, even though it was going to cost him his money.  Lack of honesty is one of the reasons why most people get in and out of relationships with a lot of hurts and resentments. The friendship level of any relationship is too key to skip or gloss over. This is where you objectively evaluate a person and decide whether to take things to the next level or not. Being honest is a two way thing. For instance, if I was honest with my self, I should have known that a sedan was not an ideal car for my luggage, an SUV would have been better.

Like every trip, relationships must be started with the end in mind. Your end game determines a lot about your means of getting there, boundaries, sacrifices, philosophies, value system, type of luggage, etc. For this Uber driver, it is not so hard to see that his priority was definitely to ensure his car was in good shape; making money was secondary. What is your endgame? I am yet to see a person who goes to a motor park( http://journalofanewlywed.blogspot.com/2018/02/the-car-series-motor-park-of-dating.html) for going sake, or to know what it felt like to get in a taxi with no specific destination in mind. Unfortunately, people get into relationships "for the fun of it", "to know how it feels", "to just have an experience to share", or "to not be left out". Trust me when I say that relationship is too risky a business to toy with. Like most trips, one wrong turn could result in an accident that could leave you scarred for life.

Packing for a trip is an art. It involves knowing what bag will fit all you have, while remaining within the accepted weight parameter. Having been prevented from traveling and asked to pay for excess luggage one too many times, I have had to learn this art. I am used to transporters asking me to pay for excess luggage, so you can imagine my surprise when I learnt from this Uber driver that payment is not always an option. This is the same with relationships. Everyone comes with one luggage or the other. What amounts to excess luggage is very much dependent on your partner. For the economy class, some local flights in Nigeria peg the accepted weight at 25 kg per traveler,  international flights on the other hand will allow two 23 kg bags (46 in total) and a 6 kg carry-on. The same way you are required to read their terms and conditions to understand their policies, you  must also read your partner to know what they can or cannot take, what they agree or disagree with. Not everyone will be ready to accommodate your luggage and baggage irrespective of what your are willing to give up...and that is fine.

So, back to my Uber story. As soon as he left, I had to call another driver, and this time around I asked for an SUV. Sometimes, especially in relationships, things do not always go as expected. In such cases, what do you do? Do you cry, lament and make a big deal out of it or learn from it and make better decisions in the future? Maybe you are like me- your "Uber driver" dumped you or your relationship never really left the "motor park" or you suddenly got dropped off midway or you realized you landed in a wrong destination, all hope is not lost. I encourage you to re-evaluate the situation and see if you need to drop some of the content of your luggage, re-pack your bag, go with a different carrier or just suspend all trips until further notice. 

Luggage in this context refers to a person's background, belief/value system, education, lifestyle et al. Baggage on the other hand are traumatic experiences, disappointments and other negative issues in the past. These are things that you cannot erase or change, but can choose to live without in order to enjoy relationships better. Ba

In summary, before a trip, assess your luggage with the end in mind. Deal with and get rid of excess baggage,  “After a bad trip, don't carry your luggage on board the next flight. Stay grounded till you figure out a new way to travel.” (T.F. Hodge) 

I celebrate you.

Adindu Chiagoziem

#ItsNeverTooLateToRetraceYourSteps

THE CAR SERIES Pt 1 - "THE MOTOR PARK" OF DATING

So am going to be doing a short series on cars - objectifying cars as they relate to dating and marriage. I am also going to use the opportunity to disclose ten (10) things about me that most of you never knew ( I know you like that one.. lol). Well, for starters I love Cars❤❤❤. When I sought for something ideal to objectify, I didn't need to search for long, automobiles always do it for me. However, my focus today is on "the decision to travel (date)".

Traveling can be fun, whether on short or long trips. However,  the preparatory aspect wears me off. Every trip for me requires a lot of preparation on my part - emotionally and psychologically, especially. I have to take into consideration where I am going to, the distance to be covered, the purpose of my intended trip, how many days I intend to spend on the trip, whether or not there are special weather conditions to prepare for, which will also influence the kind of  travel bag/suitcase I will use, e.t.c.

Let us take an imaginary trip to a typical motor park in Nigeria. Imagine the rowdiness and noise, the conductors beckoning on you to come join their vehicle, some even going as far as wanting to drag your traveling bag from you. Remember that in that same motor park, not everyone is there to embark on a journey; some are outright swindlers, some hawkers of edibles and other necessities, others just layabouts waiting for time to pass.

Interestingly, a) not all cars are going your way, b) Some are not even leaving the park that day, c) Others are broken down and have been parked there for years. The onus, therefore, lies on every passenger to locate a vehicle that is going their way, inquire to make sure the fare is payable, inspect the car to ensure it is road-worthy and choose a seat that guarantees comfort for the duration of the journey. All these do not necessarily guarantee a safe trip, but you know what they say - Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for safety.

Now just imagine the absurdity of going to a motor park clueless and unsure of a specific destination in mind. Imagine a person walking into the park and knowingly joins a car headed for Jalingo but hopes to get off in Lagos. Or another person who fails to read the signs and is surprised that he has sat all day in a car that is broken down and does not leave the park.

The above scenarios might seem ludicrous but that is exactly how some people view and go into dating. Dating is a decision not a stage in life. The same way you do not go to the park because people are going there, you cannot also go into dating because your friends are all in relationships or just because you think you are old enough. Before you decide to date, you must understand where you are going to in life as well as what you want from the relationship. You can't go into relationships hoping to find some direction or deliverance of some sort from financial hardship, emotional issues, family or peer pressure e.t.c.

Along with the decision to date must come the preparedness - emotionally, psychologically and otherwise. Being in a relationship requires maturity. You must be able to make objective decisions free from sentiments and subjectivity. You have to be emotionally sound so you are not swayed into changing your direction or fall prey to "swindlers". If you don not feel ready, please do not let anyone interfere with your singlehood. It is yours to give away when you deem fit.😉

The dating market (motor park) is full of all sorts of people; the idle ones, the touts, the sellers, the draggers, the travelers, etc. Not every traveler is your spec and not all of them are going your way, so you must choose carefully and prayerfully. Some people go into relationships only to end in the wrong destination or stuck in the same spot for years.

I really envy those who have what I call a nomadic approach to traveling - they just get up and go. Sometimes they don't end up stranded. While this attitude might work out regarding traveling strictu sensu, I doubt anyone can have a successful relationship that way.

 It is never too late to retrace your steps. Not every park has a car going your way and not every trip to the park must end in a voyage. Like every traveler, you have to assess the essence of the journey by asking questions such as: is it wise? Is it worth my while? Is it necessary? Is now the best time? What will I accomplish? Is it in my best interest? Does it align with my life goals? Are there better options?

For me, this is one of the questions I had to ask myself before I decided to date a person, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their lives referring to as "daddy?"" Dating is that serious.

I hope you take out time to assess your life and relationship, and have the courage to do the needful.

Have a blessed week.

Adindu Chiagoziem

#ItIsNeverTooLateToRetraceYourSteps 

SAVOR EVERY MOMENT!

I remembered the look of disgust on my mum and elder sister's face when they got home one day and saw my fingers. I mean I thought they looked pretty but errrmmm, apparently not. I had gone to look for my mum's nail polish only to realize she had probably hidden them from her very vain younger daughter (yours truly). Undeterred I found a correcting fluid (Tipex) and painted my finger and toenails white. Please don't judge me...I felt super cool like that 😚. 

Maybe it was growing up among adults and siblings who were way older than I was or just the fact that I hated being my age because something about the future seemed more appealing than the present, I could not wait to get there! I wanted to be grown already!

Oh, how I longed to wear those six-inch stiletto heels I saw women wear in the magazines. I could picture the way and manner I was going to carry my below-the-butt weaves. I wanted to start driving at thirteen. There was an insatiable hunger in me to get as far away from home as possible so I could gain "my independence" as I went to College. (By the way, there is no such thing as independence: it is overrated and even anti-nature- gist for another day). 

The bottom line is,  I could not wait to get out of one stage in life to the next. Was it such a bad thing? Maybe not. Looking at life in retrospect, I just wish I enjoyed every stage, like making the best use of every moment, because guess what? The next stage was bound to come, whether I longed for it or not. Right now, I will literally trade my left pinky toe to be driven by someone else. I have fixed and painted my nails with real polish so much so that I am now on sabbatical. I wore those very long braids until I decided the pain of making and maintaining them was more than I bargained for. Right now,  I love them super short 😅😅, plus the heat in Nigeria gives me very few options.

Interestingly, this is the same attitude we take in relationships and marriages. We can't wait to be in relationships, we can't wait to get married, have kids, build houses, own cars, then what next exactly? Some people can't even wait to die (no jokes). Word for today, stop and savor the moment! If you are single, I advise you to flex that "singlehood" until you exhaust the single in singlehood. Those who are dating, kindly enjoy what you two have and stop putting yourself and your significant other under so much pressure to "move to the next stage" (except of course you see "the signs" - next topic of discussion). Please, you are neither a wife nor a husband until you are one, so stop acting like one. In the meantime,  enjoy what you both share and stop trying to fast-track the process by doing those extra chores with the intention of manipulating the other to "see" you. Trust me, it only complicates the present. You have a whole lifetime in marriage to do those chores until you get fed up (ask me about it later). 

The one time in life I decided to relish the moment, is one I have not regretted to date. After we got married, we decided to wait for a year before having kids. By the way, that is one of the most difficult decisions any married couple in Naija can make. The pressure was enormous, you have no idea. We just wanted to be a married couple first and enjoy the freedom of just being by ourselves. We knew that having kids was a game-changer on another whole level entirely - one that could not be reversed. So the decision to wait was the best thing that happened to us, and we are forever grateful for it.

What we know as life does not just happen, we make it happen. Every stage in life presents an opportunity to make a decision that will affect the next stage of life. In other words, tomorrow is built on the choices of today. Whether you long for tomorrow or not, it is bound to come, but whether you enjoy tomorrow is totally up to you, and depends a lot on how you savor today. The worst way to spend today is to be anxious about tomorrow because sometimes, tomorrow never comes. Live today to the fullest so that if tomorrow never comes, at least you have the fun of your life today. So the word for you today is this - make every moment count, have no regrets.

Remember, the best things in life are not things, they are moments - memories.

I celebrate you!

Cheers!

Adindu Chiagoziem

BACK AND BETTER !!!

Yo yo yo yo yo!

Happy new year pips. It  is so good to be back!

I can't believe how much I have missed myself...like literally.  So someone called me some months back and asked why I haven't been blogging, interestingly, as the questioned echoed in my head, I actually had no answers. It would have been easier if the question was rhetoric, but she was genuinely concerned. Truth is life happened to me! I remembered telling her and every other person who called to check-up to kindly tell me that I was looking for me, just in case they saw me. Lol!

Some times we go through stuff that tries to break us. Truth is whether we break or make is totally up to us...it is a choice. The good thing is I remain grateful to the events of the past months. I have grown immensely and would like nothing more than to encourage someone with lessons learnt.

Just as a reminder, this blog was created to encourage people to live their best at every stage of their lives- single, married, complicated, or just-don't-care. It was inspired by the interesting lessons I began to learn as a newly wed and the questions my friends were asking me at the time; hence the name : Journal of a newly wed. I used to be so shy and uncomfortable about answering questions categorically cos I felt young and inexperienced in the "marriage business" till I learnt that marriage is for learners...lol ( Kindly go through my earliest posts to get the joke). The best part of my blog is the fact that it is an evolving one. It grows with me and so you sure there will always be better gist and lessons to learn ( I can feel your amebo smile already).

I feel led to focus more on premarital and marriage issues this year, having discussed some singles-related topics last year. Please feel free to comment, ask questions and make suggestions on topics you feel you need clarifications on or answers to. Your confidentiality is guaranteed and we would definitely find a way around it by God's grace.

I just want to let you know that everything is going to be alright (don't ask me how I know, I just know, lol). Just hang in there. Every situation in life has two outcomes- it is either gonna pull through or not...that is the worst that can happen! So don't lose your self, your peace and definitely not your life over that issue, it too will come to pass.

Thanks for constantly reading, commenting and checking-up. Let's make this year fun as we get better in our lives, relationships and marriages.

Cheers!