I MARRIED TO CARRYOUT AN EXPERIMENT... THE END!

This is my story... Very funny I must warn you, and full of a lot of ironies.

So here I was, content with my life- driven, focused, a complete boss-lady...till he came into the picture. From very early, I knew where I was coming from and had an idea where I was going. I might not have had the complete picture but I knew marriage was not part of it. I said it so much, my mother worried I was going to be my own undoing- using my mouth to swear for myself. If only she knew how serious I was and how for once, I didn’t mind this “Shepke” catching me… or so I thought.

Like most of the writers, I didn’t fancy marriage. I had seen a lot of marriages of family and family-friends go bad. I had watched and come to understand the devastating effect of these broken marriages- how they ripped loved ones apart and broke family ties. What hurt me the most was the fact that it also had a negative effect on innocent children. These kids who didn’t ask to be born were not opportune to choose their families, only found themselves in this mess, that left them as the victims.

By the end of high school, 8 out of 10 of my friends had been sexually abused – as a result of seeking solace in the wrong hands while trying to escape from the many family dramas. These and many more contributed to the phobia I had for marriage the hatred I had started developing towards men.

So you now understand why I said my life was content till he came into the picture...At least so I thought From the beginning I knew it was a waste of time. I told him over and over he was going to hurt himself if he decided to tag along. I tried to help him understand that the thought alone of settling down with me was in itself, harmful. I had no regard for men, and the word “submission” was not in my dictionary. What annoyed me more was the fact that he was too calm. I was used to the arrogant ones who I derived joy in humbling. I was an angry person…but he stayed.

He stayed and he prayed…oh, how he prayed. He showered me with so much love…then  I became upset and defensive- Maybe he was pretending… How dare he intend to toy with me… but then he still stayed. He wanted me to know that not all men were Predators and not all marriages were destined to fail- some could be fun. He was persistent…annoyingly consistent. You know what they say 'Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force but through persistence'… and the hollow was gradually being created…then I started to see reason. You see, the Bible says that Wisdom from above when it sees reason, it yields (James 3:17)…so I yielded…I was a wise woman…lol.

Together we grew ourselves. He understood where I was coming from and helped allay my fear. We fed on the right materials- books, tapes, seminars, and marriage counseling, mingled with the right kinds of people – couples with positive energy who knew where they were going with their lives and their marriages…but also importantly, we sat and drafted marriage goals as we felt led…We decided that we were going to minister with our marriage - our marriage was going to be a reference point of hope to the married and yet to be married… and that’s what gave birth to this blog by the way…

We were one year in marriage on the 2^nd of April 2017 and it’s been an amazing journey so far. Marriage is so much fun- my God!. God does not make a mistake I must say. Marriage is God’s idea and only God can help you enjoy it. God has helped us decant all the negativity we used to know about marriage and filled us with fresh ideas, and The Word. They say marriage is hard work, but so is everything else about life. Anything that is of importance to God is also a priority to the devil. Nonetheless, with a man/woman that loves God and you, and a heart that is willing, there’s no mountain you both cannot overcome.

Why did I get married?

I got married to carry out an experiment – Whether there are happy marriages-I have come, I have seen and I can categorically say MARRIAGE IS BEAUTIFUL. Has it been all roses? Nope!. Do we have our differences? You have no idea. But because we know the marriage serves a greater purpose, we are quick to put asides feelings and pride and come back to work things out fast, lest the devil finds a dwelling ground to replicate his many schemes.

With this, we've come to the end of The Singles Series. If you missed the series kindly check my previous posts since February. It was indeed a privilege to have worked with the writers who shared their stories. When I called, they answered, and when they wrote, they spilled it all out…Thanks, guys, you are the best.

I also consider it a complete honor to have gotten the feedback I got from the general public-some people I knew others preferred to be anonymous. I am so encouraged by the fact that many people actually read, meditated, and decided to retrace their steps to lay firm foundations for their future, especially future in marriage. God will help you stay true to your resolve.

I’ll continue my posts on the life of a newlywed, except of course I feel led otherwise. Kindly stay tuned to the blog. In the meantime, remain blessed and have a splendid week.

Cheers!

Adindu Chiagoziem.

...BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS HONORABLE...

Why do I want to get Married?

Hmmm...! This question is sooo timely for someone like me. People who know me well will tell you how I've always loved weddings. If I had my way, I'll attend all the weddings of people I know. It has helped me to always daydream of my own wedding - my wedding gown, the colors of the day,the dress styles of my train, the wedding cake etc. But then it struck me "hope you know marriage is more than just the wedding day?". If only the love, care and romance that is at its peak on the wedding day/night could last through the marriage, then marriage would just be alluring. But nay, there is more to marriages than we see these days.

When children come, personalities change or rather unveil, love waxes cold then marriage seem like a life time prison... So I became scared of marriage like the thought of it should just remain in my head and never materialize. I had to go through a reorientation with the help of the Bible, I'm actually still working on it. Nonetheless, marriage is meant to be beautiful, with an undying love. It's meant to replicate the Marriage of God and his people, Rev 19:7.

To have a beautiful marriage, first, I need to be ready mentally, spiritually, emotionally etc. Even the Bible says in a number of places "...do not awaken love before it is time".Songs of Songs 2:7; 3:5; 8:4.

Another important thing to do if I want a successful marriage is to have reasons why I want to get married. My reasons include: 

• Companionship: I need to marry to have a life time companion. Trust me, even your close friends might not have time to hear all your blabbing but I can say all I want to my spouse and I can gist for Africa eeehn...lol. Gen 2:8 "it is not good for man to be alone"

• Purpose: this is very paramount for me. I need a partner with whom to fulfill purpose, we might not be doing exactly the same thing, but we have to complement each other. Eccl 4:9-12 "two are better than one for they have a good reward for their labor..."

• Intercourse: this is very important as well, sexual intercourse with my husband is something I've waited to have all my life. So when I'm married, I wouldn't take it easy with him...winks. 1 Cor. 7:8- "it is better to marry than to burn with passion"
• Living Harmoniously: I want to be able to practice living peaceably with my husband without major issues so as to give good account to God on that day. It will also prepare me to live in harmony with other brethren in heaven. Rev 19:17 "...for the marriage of the lamb is come and his wife hath made herself ready"
• Replicate heavenly love: I want to marry so I can debunk my observation that marriage is sour. There are so many failed marriages and because I have the desire to help marriages become better, my marriage would have to be a good example for others. Replicating the Love of Jesus. Amen!1 John 3:16 "perceive the love of God because he laid down his life for us..."
• Honour: There's an igbo adage that says "Ugwu wanyi bu di ya" - A woman's honor is her husband. This is so evident in our society as a single woman is seen as promiscuous except she is married. Heb 13:4a. "Marriage is honorable..."

I could go on and on but the gist is that it's best to have reasons for marriage before you go into it. It gives you a goal for which you will strive to achieve. What is your reason...?

DEBORAH

I WANT TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE IT IS GOD'S PURPOSE FOR ME

Why do I want to get married? Good question you may actually want to answer before you get married, because when situations come, when the devil thinks he can play ping pong with your marriage, the answer to this question would either save or break your marriage. How? Wait for The last paragraph and find out...

.

As for me, i went through different answers to this question in different phases of my life. First I wanted to get married simply because I wanted to... Almost every young girl has in her subconscious a planted subliminal message that says "you must marry!!!" I don't know about other parts of the world but in Africa, you are raised learning to cook, nurture a child (remember your dolls), be responsible as a woman (it used to upset me that my brothers were outside playing while I had to do the chores ) and generally take care of the family. 

But the scales fell from my eyes.... I watched as many marriages in my family disintegrated. Their was hatred, bitterness, anger and I kept asking "why did they get married in the first place?" I watched as two people who said for better or worse, tear each other apart and I said to myself I'd rather remain single . There was no way I would get married and end up like them. 

Let me add this here, if you do not know your purpose in every sphere of your life, then I promise you; you will live a very regrettable life. You will keep trying to but you will never really get it. You will keep jumping from mistakes to mistakes and the devil loves it. See sitting here writing this, I understand it now. My decision to not get married was built in a very faulty foundation:

1. I didn't want to get married from fear 

2. I didn't want to get married but I didn't want to be alone so I moved from man to man. 

3. I didn't want to get married because of my distorted image of marriage I was yet to learn how beautiful it was 

Imagine the fun day the devil had with me; I was never going to settle down. But interestingly, man after man, I got heartbroken and colder and more cynical. 

Then after a while I got lonely and wanted to be married because being lonely was too much to bear, boy was I a confused mess. I mean I had this notion that I could get married and be with him and if anything goes wrong we could just sign divorce papers and I could get married again... Thank you Hollywood ...

Then I met him, my single idol. Ohhhhhh it was love at first sound, then he ticked some other boxes I had in my list; good dresser, speaks good English, drives well, full of pride, corky and though not on my list, had the potential to be rich and he was also a man of God ( see my priorities biko)... See, he was a ready made husband and our relationship became community relationship so everyone expected us to get married. I invested so much in the relationship that when I saw the end written in the wall I refused to believe it.... I couldn't do this much for him and let him go away - I needed compensation, I had forgotten my hopes and dreams and worked at fulfilling his, and someone is telling me the end?? LaiLai and minus that, what would people say?

Finally we broke up and I stayed of relationships entirely. Even when my mentor, friend and pastor told me to let go and stop nursing the pains, I refused to listen. See I was back to my second phase I will never get married but this time, I had purpose, I wasn't jumping from man to man, I was a little more focused and I was driven by that focus. 

So driven that I didn't notice him. He was there from before law School, he prayed with me when I couldn't get my fees and when the miracle happened he helped with all the running around. He made sure I ate after class, was my shoulder to cry on when things got really bad. He is kind, gentle and humble; at a time my bestie and I said he was too nice. 

Then we started dating honestly I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married but I knew he made all the distorted images I had of marriage fade. But I was still scared because I wondered if this wasn't how my parents started. So I prayed!!!! And for the course of one year God spoke and in bits and pieces showing me the purpose for our marriage. 

God has a purpose for everyone and everything and if you do not know the purpose you won't maximize it. Why do I want to get married, simple it is God's purpose for me. I have been in many relationships but none like this. A man that ministers to me everyday so that I can do what I am meant to do in my ministry. A man so focused on loving God that it is easy for him to Love me... Truly God's gift give no sorrow ( don't think it- we dey rack ) 

I want to get married because it is a fulfillment for God's purpose in my life. Not because I don't want to be lonely, not because I am being pressured by people or myself, not because of who he is financially, not because he ticks the boxes properly, not because of friends or looks. But because God says so and when thing gets tricky and the devil rares his head I remember what God says and it keeps me going till everything it is sorted out. 

Bunmi