THE INTRUDER

...So someone was eating the food in the fridge,  groceries were missing, there was excess trash in the bin, but he was sure he lived alone. At some point he thought he was loosing his mind but as it continued, he knew something was wrong, or rather someone was wrong. The search began,  rather frantically with a huge doze of fear, fear of what he'll discover. He searched the entire house (or so he thought)  but to no avail... It continued.  For his sanity and to protect his life he had to leave. .. The thoughts of leaving his once peaceful haven which had now become a hunted yard was disheartening...About to give up, he remembered one more place... Rather unusual... He climbed, the apprehension was back and true to his fears, there he was - the intruder who had pitched his tent in his attic... errmm that's the end of the story nah...hehehe.

 

But really, for a very long time I have always tried to figure out what happens to that happily-ever-after-Cinderella picture painted on wedding days. With all eyes on them, the couple look so glamorous, breathtaking, and enviable. You unconsciously blurt out an "aawwnnn"  or "eya" in admiration... Then something happens... The next time you hear from or about them they are getting a divorce -  trouble in paradise. She complains he cheats, beats and is no longer sweet.  He says she's disrespectful, not beautiful and he's done being hopeful... unknown to them, it's time to check the attic.

 

An intruder is a person who enters a place without invitation or permission. The irony about a marriage intruder is that he is actually invited by either or both of the couples, intentionally or not. And unlike the intruder above who survives on the groceries of his host, a marriage intruder thrives and is sustained by self (selfishness - doing what you want at the expense of the other). I have been doing some study and I think it won't be premature to say that all marriage problems are as a result of selfishness... For instance, no woman or man will get angry because the spouse wants to bless them. Anger is always about a spouse who does and in some cases, keeps doing that "thing" the other detests. I heard the gist of a man who insisted on keeping the contact of his ex, cause they were just friends... Or  the couple that had issues over a huge sum of money... even though the marriage came before all these things.

Q: How important is your Marriage compared to other things?

 

Common intruders include (but are not limited to) the strange women/men,  money, family, friends etc. One common similarity all intruders share is that they are destructive - Some act fast, others are slow but sure.  There's a need to do a regular check on the marriage; search unusual, unsuspecting, attic-like areas. Nothing is worth your peace,  nothing should attack the vows. P.S Your spouse is not the enemy... Every time there is trouble in marriage, something or someone is interfering and surviving on someone's selfishness... It's time to check the attic...

What is intruding?

God bless Marriages!
 

#GetRidOfSelf
#GetRidOfTheIntruder

#MarriageVowsAboveAllElse
#IStillBelieveInCinderellaStories
#InspiredByRevEjibe
#FWCCouplesRetreat2016

ONENESS

 

I have always had an unspotted interest in science. I honestly can't remember how I found my way to arts class o. Lol. Anyway, one of those days when I had a ton on scientific questions, I decided to surf the net for answers. One thing let to another and I came across this transparent sea creature called the Siphonophore. It is a creature (colony) made up of creatures. There is this long explanation of how it works but the short part of the story is this: The creature (colony) is made up of independently attached creatures called Zooids. Now each Zooid is highly specialized such that while there are nectophores that propel the colony forward but lack the ability to feed, there are also the feeding polyps that allow the other creatures to feed but not swim. So each organism lacks the individual ability to do both and relies on the other(s) to do what it cannot do...

 

I am sure someone just rechecked the blog name to see if they were still in the right place....lol....please stay with me.

 

The thing is after reading that post, I understood the concept or principle or if you like, the science of Oneness as prescribed by God, for marriage. I cannot remember how I got there, but it must have been one of those moments when God uses the known to gist you about the unknown, in this case it was the literality of the oneness/ one flesh concept . To be one in marriage means that after marriage, the individuals actually cease to exist as separate entities with distinct needs but as the same individual with the same need. So the couples remain in their individual bodies yeah, but are so much in sync,  that they are literally one flesh like the Colony above.. The individual couple like the Zooids, exist for the sole purpose of ensuring that they compliment one another where each lacks the ability to function.  Therefore, even though the nectophores prides itself in its propelling abilities, it surely needs the feeding polyps to feed and vice ver sa. Its simply amazing!

 

This is why Genesis 2:24 talks about leaving to cleave. The funny thing I just discovered is that the word "cleave" is in itself, its opposite. It means to severe, and be pulled apart, and the same word means to adhere and be joined together (very interesting). But in the context of marriage it means leaving parents and everything else and be united (in the literal sense of the word) to your spouse. This means that if I beat, insult, get angry at, lie to on one hand, or bless, respect, honor, and pray for my spouse on the other hand, I am doing it to myself. 

 

The advantages of being one are too numerous. But one particular benefit that gets me excited is the fact that according to God's arithmetic, even though 1+1=1, one will chase a thousand but two will chase ten thousand. It is a straight forward arithmetic mystery that does not require you to find x or y (heheheh). But the implication is that there's no limit, boundary or foe a united couple cannot not exceed, cross or conquer.  Furthermore, in Mal 2:13-16, God made it clear that to defy the vow to be one in  marriage is to put a seal over your prayers. Wow! right? Yeah, that deep!

 

Now imagine that you and your spouse (or intended spouse) were fused into one body, the woman is the left and the man is the right part of the body. With the way you treat each other, will you share the same complexion, charm, and camaraderie or will one part of the body be worn, withered and weary. #Selah...

 

 

 

 

 

IT'S NO LONGER HOW LONG...

                A CALL TO MEDITATION
No birthday wish is ever  complete without the "long life and prosperity wish". I mean, who doesn't like a long life full of all the goodies life has to offer? Long life is always considered a blessing. It is most people's dream to live to see their children's children up to the third and maybe fourth generation if possible. But I just realized that it is no longer how long but how well.

According to WHO , in 2016,  the probability of people dying in Nigeria between ages 15 and 60 years is 357/325 for males and females respectively per 1000 population. This is an average statistics- it is definitely higher.

I haven't blogged in a while. It has been a period of constant meditation and reflection. I just keep telling myself reassuringly that there has surely got  to be more to life than eat, drink and be merry, buy cars, build houses, raise children and die. The truth is not everyone will build houses, marry, own a car, or even live long enough to see beyond the first generation... so there's definitely got to be more!

I understand that if  you are not focused in life, life will give you a focus. In many cases, since life is abstract, it directs us through the society, family, and even friends. Before you know it, everyone has an agenda for you- where to work, where to school, when and who to marry, what job is best for you etc.. and then you die, and the vicious cycle continues. So I have taken the couple of weeks out to think and meditate on the real meaning of life and by implication  redefined my definition of success in life. I had to ask and answer these questions: 

• What is life to me?
• What will I have to achieve to get to the level where I think and regard myself as a success- Is it when I  have all the degrees, or when I marry, or probably when I get to the zenith of my career?

  I discovered that your definition of success should normally flow from your core values and burdens. Those things you have a penchant for. I needed to do this to give my life a meaning, know if I am on track and channel my resources appropriate because life is too short. It used to be today you are here, tomorrow you are gone, but these days, it is now you are here now you are gone! We literally have no guarantee of the next minute,  not day. Life is short!

Life is too short to not do what you really love to do. I earnestly feel sorry for people who discover themselves late or never even discover their purpose  and in the interim do what people want them to do...living their lives for others.

Life is too short to waste your talent gift or calling. Whatever you call it, everybody is born with that special something. Don't live life never discovering it.

Life is already too short to bear grudges. I hear people pride themselves in making sure they settle all grudges,  especially couples,  just before the sun goes down, but the thing is not everyone is guaranteed a sunset experience. Let it go.

Life is too short to not consider everyday a gift and be a gift to somebody. The best investment in life is to invest in the life of somebody -spouse, friends, strangers, etc his is because at the end of it all, like when the chips are literally down, all we are boils down to memories- a legacy- who did you bless? whose life did you change? what impact did you make? what were your last words, acts, or omissions to people?... what was life to you?

In this short life of mine, I have seen he who lived a long life and was considered a burden to himself, his family and the society at large. In this same life i have known he who died at such a young age yet impacted his generation, the generation before and those after, he who drew more crowd in death than in life, causing people to be reconciled to their maker even without saying a word. For me and you, What's it gonna be?

The questions for today are: what gives your life a meaning? what is your definition of success? what would you want to be remembered for? If today was your last, what would you do differently?

Today's post is more life centered than marriage inclined. I just thought to share a little food for thought. 

#itsnolongerhowlong

#lifeishort

#singleormarriedliveright

Inspired by and Dedicated to Kelechi Umelo (Sir K) for a life well spent...

MARRIAGE GOALS

Like most of our fantasies, marriage must also have a goal. In this small life of mine, I have seen goals gan - relationship goals, slimming goals, mom-daugter goals and even baby mama goals (no jokes).  

I can still see my father's facial expression as he listened to me tell him I was ready for marriage and I had seen someone who wanted to grow old with me. I still try to imagine what went on in his mind for the next forty eight hours,  because by the third day he called me and asked me a question, which before that day,  I thought I could answer- "why do you want to get married"?I began to rumble. I told him I felt I was old enough and ready,  moreover it just felt right. Then I remembered to throw in a little spiritual twist to it, by saying that because God knew I was ready, He sent someone who loved me my way. Hehehehe. Was he convinced ? Omo  that is another matter entirely o. Were my answers wrong? of course not! But that question birthed in me a lot of other questions about the very essence of marriage, hence this post. 

 

Truth is, people marry for various reasons. Most people marry because they feel they are old enough and the society has began to make demands. For some it is to escape the over-bearing clutches of parents. Others just believe it is the cure for poverty and any form of financial impediment. As sickening as it might seem, some actually marry to "legalize" sex and free their consciences from the guilt of fornication and adultery.

 

On the seemingly good side are those who marry for companionship, to procreate, or even for love. But the truth is, while there is nothing wrong with these reason,  there definitely has to be more. Marriage is too serious, surreal and sacred to be underestimated or submerged in shallowness. Your marriage must have far reaching effects  and  must also be bigger than both of you. Everyone needs to stop at some point in time in life and ask "why do I want to get married" or why did I get married" and "why now"?.

 

The answer to this question will directly or indirectly define your marriage goal which metamorphosis into a vision. One of my mentors defined vision as a picture of the future that creates passion.  I am not referring to those goals we set when we see  lovely memes with wonderful captions e.g.

 I am referring to that picture of the future in marriage that is bigger than both spouses (or spouses to be). It is that picture that fuels your commitment when your motivation or passion begins to run low (because it will).

 

In most cases,  such passions are born out of a burden. Before I married, I dreaded this institution because a lot of marriages around me were very sour. Marriage beyond the ceremony did not look attractive. So I proposed in my heart that if I ever got married, my marriage would be a pillar of hope to those who were yet to marry and even those who were married. Interestingly, by the time I met my husband, he also had his own goals. We sat down, merged this goals together, and got a vision for our marriage. It is this vision that keeps us safe, sane and sure in trying times.

The beautiful thing about a vision is that it is never too late to have. It does not matter how long you have been married, you can pause now and give your marriage a new meaning by redefining it with your spouse. For those who are yet to marry, this might be a good time to develop your own goal. 

Very importantly, every Vision must be written down. -Habbakuk 2:2-4. It helps keep things in perspective at all times.  

Remember that when the essence of a thing is not known, abuse becomes inevitable... 

#whydoyouwanttogetmarried?

#selah

 cheers! 

 

 

 

 

 

MARRIAGE IS FOR LEARNERS

I had promised to do a piece on my biggest fear before and in marriage (refer back to my second post on the 18th of August  http://journalofanewlywed.blogspot.com.ng/). Well, this is it!

Like most ladies, I had a lot of fears about marriage. Most of these fears were caused by the pressures from parents and society {knowingly and unknowingly} on me to ensure I was the perfect wife. I know that I am not the only one who has been told -  "Is that how you want to be behaving in your husband's house"? OR "Better learn this and this so that you will not embarrass us in your husband's house",  as if a woman's only goal in life was to be a wife and nothing else. Very little emphasis is even placed on being a good mother as much as being a good wife. (gist for another day).

My main worry which later bred a feeling of inadequacy was fear of never attaining the anticipated level of perfection expected of a  good wife (as if there was one). One major aspect I dreaded and doubted myself in was the aspect of cooking. But before my own worry, was my mum's. She would just call me out of the blue (while I was single) and ask if I even knew how to prepare whatever it was she just finished preparing. I will try to impress her with my theoretical answers. In some cases I made some terrible blunders, other times I aced my "essay question". She would always end our conversation by saying "Chi, it's not by talking o, it is by doing".

Before you judge me, let me explain the genesis of the situation. I went to a boarding school which availed me little time at home. On some holidays I traveled to vacation in a relative's home, and when I stayed back at home, I was made to learn how to cook by observing and assisting (which by the way is not the best way to teach anyone how to cook). So, I proposed in my heart that I would use my College days to learn how to cook, and "prepare myself for marriage" (hehehe). However, I, fortunately or unfortunately, found myself in a school where we were not allowed to cook. As if things couldn't get any worse, cooking in law school was prohibited so I was stuck with my theoretical knowledge on the matter.

Fast forward to after marriage and I was soon to discover that cooking is not as spiritual as people make it seem. Thankfully, hubby and I are not very conventional eaters so I had to be very creative in the preparations of meals as well as the introduction of variety. Guess who became my buddy? - google.com (lol). We bonded so much, it was really a productive relationship. I visited a lot of online cooking sites, copied a lot of recipes, and tried them out successfully. Another thing that helped me was that I shared my fears with friends and got culinary advice- I was that determined. Someone came to my house recently and said "I think you are a better cook than you are a lawyer" (By the way that was a joke #straightface).

Marriage is a lifelong journey and I definitely do not intend to downplay the importance of this sacred institution. I know that adequate preparations are needed, especially mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, and otherwise. However, the moral of the story is this: you can never be too prepared for marriage. It is okay to not know certain things and be willing to learn and develop yourself. This is one project where you have a lot of on-the-job learning to do. Even if you are married a second or third time, you will still be considered a "learner" for the purpose of understanding the uniqueness of your union and the peculiarities of each individual. 

So please be encouraged!  Cast fear, worry, and all feelings of inadequacy aside, and brace yourself for a wonderful marital journey. And oh, please do not forget that you have access to divine resources in The Word that will help you develop an amazing blueprint for your marriage. Marriage was created by God, and only He can see you through.

I celebrate you!

Cheers!
#marriageisforlearners

YOU CANT FORM MISS INDEPENDENT IN MARRIAGE!

Making a new hair is always a night mare for me, you won't believe why. I can be very uncertain and indecisive  as to what to make on my hair per time. I have to consider  the weather, my face, my style and just how I feel at the moment . On this faithfully day, a few weeks after our wedding, I was in that place again so I decided to run a discussion with Boo. It went thus:

                " So am thinking of changing my hair this weekend but am not sure what to do next"?

His reply, as simple and unassuming as it was started this reformation in me that I am about to share with you.

He said:

             " Errmm My Love, can we postpone it to next weekend, by that time I will have

 

                sufficient funds for your hair".

 

Pause! Did anything stand out to you? Well lemme explain from the beginning.

 

Once upon a time, while I was growing up, I can't remember how it happened but I found myself on the "Miss independent track". This is where you believe that you do not need a man to do whatever you want to do. On this road, you derive joy in picking your bills, making your decisions, and wanting to maximize every opportunity you get to prove to men that they are not as important as they kid themselves into believing. I was a feminist all the way ... with a little twist thoh.

 

Let me quickly say before I get eaten up that there is nothing wrong with the concept of feminism (if you understand it). I love the concept and remain an ardent feminist till 20forever. However, any feminist ideology that encourages a swap in the roles of men and women especially in the family, is a twisted ideology.

 

As with every creature on earth, men and women play different roles in the family. Men by nature are providers. Women on the other hand are nurturers (helpmeets). These roles were given to them by God as far back as the beginning of creation Genesis 3 :17&18. It goes without saying that a close examination of these roles, proves that a woman is very much dependent on the man to fulfill her role and vice versa.

 

Men love to be needed. A man wants to hear someone compliment his wife and just smile at the fact that it is his money that is shouting (not talking sef). Men are easily emasculated by women who feel they can do without them. Once this need is not met, his attention is drawn to whatever or whoever needs him... and I am sure you have heard that where your heart is, there lies your treasure (money, time, resources etc). I am  also assuming this is one of the many reasons some  men spend their time and monies on other "things" that show they need him.

 

A misunderstanding of these roles has led to a lot of dysfunctional homes today. That's why for example, many women today are heads of the family with their husbands recoiling into the shadows (some happily). Unfortunately, on one hand, it has become the norm so much that men and women have "accepted their fate". On the other, hand I have heard men say "may that day never come when my wife will be the provider"... AMEN.

 

I have had the opportunity of discussing with a few people on this issue and one thing I keep hearing is that the world is in want of good men (that's a very long discussion for another day). I totally agree, but God has not called us to be or assume the roles of these men either. Whether you earn more or less than your husband, he is the provider. In fact I like to put it this way : my money is my money, his money is our money (I know some men now be like "madam well done o ...thumbs up) hehehe, But guess what? The beautiful thing about this reality is that a wise woman will always spend that "her money" at home" In fact in most cases, that money is like a savings for rainy days.

 

Back to the story. His reply was strange to me. I was simply running a discusson with him and was not in any way asking for funds for my hair. Then it struck me- I need to be conscious about our roles and stick to my part. It is something I am still learning trust me. There are still days when I reach out to pay for my stuff when we are together and somehow a warning bell goes off in my head. What makes it easy is that I am married to someone who makes the learning process easy and worthwhile.

Basically, this is a wakeup call to women to understand your role in marriage and bask in that knowledge. We are to nurture the spoil from hustle not to be the hustlers...Its ok to be all independent while you are single, but you must consciously leave it before you get to the altar. Help them if they ask, but let the men provide. Trust me, you do not want to start what you can't continue.

God bless you for taking out time to read. God bless our marriages.

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

YOU ARE NOT YOUR MUM NEITHER ARE  YOU MARRIED TO YOUR FATHER

 

The first few days or weeks in marriage are understandably confusing as the couple scales through the discovery phase. At least, so it was for me. Here I was trying to figure out how to be a wife to a man I had never lived with before. I was trying to understand the nitty-gritty involved in food preparation, our roles as it concerned chores, and what side of the bed was the right side (to mention a few).

 

Then boom!!!, I found an easy way out; what would mummy have done in this situation?  Instinctively I started to act like my mum would do with my dad. After all, that was the major example of marriage I had been exposed to. Sadly, I would later discover that this decision would almost cause me the peace and sanctity of my home - my own undoing.

 

During one of our very early days in marriage, I would ensure that my husband's food was served at a particular time around the clock. That was what I saw my mum do as I was growing up. In the traditional African family, the husband was never supposed to ask for his food. There was supposed to be a particular food schedule that was held sacred, with no default. Unfortunately, the food almost always got cold because (as I was soon to discover)  my husband was not a regimented eater.

 

Furthermore, because I grew up in a typical Igbo family, Swallow ( eba, semolina, and the like) was highly appreciated. It was the glory of a woman to be praised for her extraordinary culinary skills, especially in cooking soups. That was my biggest fear (we will discuss that another day). So I put in so much effort in ensuring that I made a variety of soups in one cooking and in a very large quantity too. Sadly these soups remained in the freezer until they were considered too old to eat.

 

On one occasion my husband suggested we do tea and biscuit (biscuit flakes) for breakfast and Indomie noodles for lunch. I was bewildered. This for me was becoming a problem. I could not understand why my husband would not eat three times a day. It also baffled me to realize that he was not crazy about "swallow". So one day in my frustration, I broached the subject. That was the day the scale fell off my eyes and I saw the light-  I didn't marry my father, neither am I my mother. I married a man who was much easier to live with and rather than appreciate him and thank God for this, I was engrossed in comparing him to what I was used to.

 

The power of family in shaping the mind, character, and disposition toward life of a child, can neither be overrated nor underestimated. At the same time, the need to know when and where to draw the line cannot be overemphasized. Our spouses or spouses-to-be have totally distinct personalities. Just as much as we would hate to be compared, they also do not appreciate being compared to the people around us; especially our parents and exs.

 

For someone else, food might be the least of your problems. It could be the way he/she dresses, the way they talk, their preference for the arrangement of the house, etc. However, we must get into marriage with an open mind; a mind that is rid of all preconceived notions, a mind ready to learn about and appreciate the uniqueness of our spouses. That's the essence of the leave-to-cleave command in Genesis 2:24.

 

And if you are truthful to yourself you will agree with me that:

1. If your spouse was to be like your mum or dad, life would be super boring for lack of variety.
2. His/her uniqueness compliments an area of both of your lives that needs it.
3. If you really like your mum/dad, why didn't you marry them? Like seriously? Lol

Bottom line, let us celebrate our spouses for who they simply are.

 

CHEERS

 

#heisnotyourfatherneitherareyouyourmother

 

 

This blog is inspired by my many friends (married and single) who want to know from first hand experience how marriage really is. Most times I refrain from answering questions categorically because in my opinion, I am still pretty new to the business called marriage. Nonetheless, I have come to the realization that I can't be too new to have learnt one or two things worthy of sharing.

 

Whenever people ask me "how is married life"?, my answer has always been the same- "interesting".

Interesting is a word used to describe a thing or an event that holds or arouses a person's attention and interest. Married life literarily holds and arouses my attention. That word simply encapsulates my views about marriage.

 

It is interesting to realize the great difference between marriage in your mind and marriage in reality. You know how you have always imagine how you are going to do this and do that when you get married? Well, its not always the same in marriage because all the while you were daydreaming, you totally  forgot to feature your spouse in your little drama... Or maybe you did, but just forgot that he/she is not your "scripted robot" but has the capacity to feel and do as he/she pleases- not necessarily as you imagined.

 

It is also interesting to know that these differences and discoveries in marriage can be super fun (depending on how it is handled).

 

This is an opportunity to share certain insights from my experiences so far that could be a source of inspiration to somebody. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Many people have gory stories to tell about marriage but I still  believe in the Cinderella theme of the Love story of Marriage. There is no one formula to making a marriage work, however with experience and The Word, Success is inevitable.

 

I definitely am not an island and would love to hear your opinions and views as we experience marriage together- single or married.

 

Cheers!