YOU CANT FORM MISS INDEPENDENT IN MARRIAGE!

Making a new hair is always a night mare for me, you won't believe why. I can be very uncertain and indecisive  as to what to make on my hair per time. I have to consider  the weather, my face, my style and just how I feel at the moment . On this faithfully day, a few weeks after our wedding, I was in that place again so I decided to run a discussion with Boo. It went thus:

                " So am thinking of changing my hair this weekend but am not sure what to do next"?

His reply, as simple and unassuming as it was started this reformation in me that I am about to share with you.

He said:

             " Errmm My Love, can we postpone it to next weekend, by that time I will have

 

                sufficient funds for your hair".

 

Pause! Did anything stand out to you? Well lemme explain from the beginning.

 

Once upon a time, while I was growing up, I can't remember how it happened but I found myself on the "Miss independent track". This is where you believe that you do not need a man to do whatever you want to do. On this road, you derive joy in picking your bills, making your decisions, and wanting to maximize every opportunity you get to prove to men that they are not as important as they kid themselves into believing. I was a feminist all the way ... with a little twist thoh.

 

Let me quickly say before I get eaten up that there is nothing wrong with the concept of feminism (if you understand it). I love the concept and remain an ardent feminist till 20forever. However, any feminist ideology that encourages a swap in the roles of men and women especially in the family, is a twisted ideology.

 

As with every creature on earth, men and women play different roles in the family. Men by nature are providers. Women on the other hand are nurturers (helpmeets). These roles were given to them by God as far back as the beginning of creation Genesis 3 :17&18. It goes without saying that a close examination of these roles, proves that a woman is very much dependent on the man to fulfill her role and vice versa.

 

Men love to be needed. A man wants to hear someone compliment his wife and just smile at the fact that it is his money that is shouting (not talking sef). Men are easily emasculated by women who feel they can do without them. Once this need is not met, his attention is drawn to whatever or whoever needs him... and I am sure you have heard that where your heart is, there lies your treasure (money, time, resources etc). I am  also assuming this is one of the many reasons some  men spend their time and monies on other "things" that show they need him.

 

A misunderstanding of these roles has led to a lot of dysfunctional homes today. That's why for example, many women today are heads of the family with their husbands recoiling into the shadows (some happily). Unfortunately, on one hand, it has become the norm so much that men and women have "accepted their fate". On the other, hand I have heard men say "may that day never come when my wife will be the provider"... AMEN.

 

I have had the opportunity of discussing with a few people on this issue and one thing I keep hearing is that the world is in want of good men (that's a very long discussion for another day). I totally agree, but God has not called us to be or assume the roles of these men either. Whether you earn more or less than your husband, he is the provider. In fact I like to put it this way : my money is my money, his money is our money (I know some men now be like "madam well done o ...thumbs up) hehehe, But guess what? The beautiful thing about this reality is that a wise woman will always spend that "her money" at home" In fact in most cases, that money is like a savings for rainy days.

 

Back to the story. His reply was strange to me. I was simply running a discusson with him and was not in any way asking for funds for my hair. Then it struck me- I need to be conscious about our roles and stick to my part. It is something I am still learning trust me. There are still days when I reach out to pay for my stuff when we are together and somehow a warning bell goes off in my head. What makes it easy is that I am married to someone who makes the learning process easy and worthwhile.

Basically, this is a wakeup call to women to understand your role in marriage and bask in that knowledge. We are to nurture the spoil from hustle not to be the hustlers...Its ok to be all independent while you are single, but you must consciously leave it before you get to the altar. Help them if they ask, but let the men provide. Trust me, you do not want to start what you can't continue.

God bless you for taking out time to read. God bless our marriages.

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

YOU ARE NOT YOUR MUM NEITHER ARE  YOU MARRIED TO YOUR FATHER

 

The first few days or weeks in marriage are understandably confusing as the couple scales through the discovery phase. At least, so it was for me. Here I was trying to figure out how to be a wife to a man I had never lived with before. I was trying to understand the nitty-gritty involved in food preparation, our roles as it concerned chores, and what side of the bed was the right side (to mention a few).

 

Then boom!!!, I found an easy way out; what would mummy have done in this situation?  Instinctively I started to act like my mum would do with my dad. After all, that was the major example of marriage I had been exposed to. Sadly, I would later discover that this decision would almost cause me the peace and sanctity of my home - my own undoing.

 

During one of our very early days in marriage, I would ensure that my husband's food was served at a particular time around the clock. That was what I saw my mum do as I was growing up. In the traditional African family, the husband was never supposed to ask for his food. There was supposed to be a particular food schedule that was held sacred, with no default. Unfortunately, the food almost always got cold because (as I was soon to discover)  my husband was not a regimented eater.

 

Furthermore, because I grew up in a typical Igbo family, Swallow ( eba, semolina, and the like) was highly appreciated. It was the glory of a woman to be praised for her extraordinary culinary skills, especially in cooking soups. That was my biggest fear (we will discuss that another day). So I put in so much effort in ensuring that I made a variety of soups in one cooking and in a very large quantity too. Sadly these soups remained in the freezer until they were considered too old to eat.

 

On one occasion my husband suggested we do tea and biscuit (biscuit flakes) for breakfast and Indomie noodles for lunch. I was bewildered. This for me was becoming a problem. I could not understand why my husband would not eat three times a day. It also baffled me to realize that he was not crazy about "swallow". So one day in my frustration, I broached the subject. That was the day the scale fell off my eyes and I saw the light-  I didn't marry my father, neither am I my mother. I married a man who was much easier to live with and rather than appreciate him and thank God for this, I was engrossed in comparing him to what I was used to.

 

The power of family in shaping the mind, character, and disposition toward life of a child, can neither be overrated nor underestimated. At the same time, the need to know when and where to draw the line cannot be overemphasized. Our spouses or spouses-to-be have totally distinct personalities. Just as much as we would hate to be compared, they also do not appreciate being compared to the people around us; especially our parents and exs.

 

For someone else, food might be the least of your problems. It could be the way he/she dresses, the way they talk, their preference for the arrangement of the house, etc. However, we must get into marriage with an open mind; a mind that is rid of all preconceived notions, a mind ready to learn about and appreciate the uniqueness of our spouses. That's the essence of the leave-to-cleave command in Genesis 2:24.

 

And if you are truthful to yourself you will agree with me that:

1. If your spouse was to be like your mum or dad, life would be super boring for lack of variety.
2. His/her uniqueness compliments an area of both of your lives that needs it.
3. If you really like your mum/dad, why didn't you marry them? Like seriously? Lol

Bottom line, let us celebrate our spouses for who they simply are.

 

CHEERS

 

#heisnotyourfatherneitherareyouyourmother

 

 

This blog is inspired by my many friends (married and single) who want to know from first hand experience how marriage really is. Most times I refrain from answering questions categorically because in my opinion, I am still pretty new to the business called marriage. Nonetheless, I have come to the realization that I can't be too new to have learnt one or two things worthy of sharing.

 

Whenever people ask me "how is married life"?, my answer has always been the same- "interesting".

Interesting is a word used to describe a thing or an event that holds or arouses a person's attention and interest. Married life literarily holds and arouses my attention. That word simply encapsulates my views about marriage.

 

It is interesting to realize the great difference between marriage in your mind and marriage in reality. You know how you have always imagine how you are going to do this and do that when you get married? Well, its not always the same in marriage because all the while you were daydreaming, you totally  forgot to feature your spouse in your little drama... Or maybe you did, but just forgot that he/she is not your "scripted robot" but has the capacity to feel and do as he/she pleases- not necessarily as you imagined.

 

It is also interesting to know that these differences and discoveries in marriage can be super fun (depending on how it is handled).

 

This is an opportunity to share certain insights from my experiences so far that could be a source of inspiration to somebody. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Many people have gory stories to tell about marriage but I still  believe in the Cinderella theme of the Love story of Marriage. There is no one formula to making a marriage work, however with experience and The Word, Success is inevitable.

 

I definitely am not an island and would love to hear your opinions and views as we experience marriage together- single or married.

 

Cheers!